Thursday, December 1, 2011

once upon a time, i started a blog...

Recently, I've been hearing a lot it seems about relying on others. Not completely, but simply not relying solely on yourself. If you know me, you know I am very independent, and as a result, I tend to be very closed. Granted, if you ask me about myself, I may tell you pieces, but normally, I don't like other people in my personal life. And though I may tell you some or even many things, I won't tell you everything. I keep so much inside.
Today I read a blog by a friend, which is actually what inspired me to start this, about leadership--which branched into solitude, which branched into friendship. The blog continues to quote a speech by William Deresiewicz given at West Point called “Solitude and Leadership," that though it seems counter intuitive, they go hand in hand, because everyone needs a friendship with not only themselves, but a person "you can trust, to whom you can unfold your soul. A person you feel safe with enough to acknowledge things-to acknowledge things to yourself-that you otherwise can't. Doubts you aren't supposed to have, questions you aren't supposed to ask. Feelings or emotions that would get you laughed at by the group or reprimanded by the authorities." He goes on to say that "sharing your thoughts alone..or with someone you vital for us becoming the best we can be. To not just be 'professional hoop jumpers' that seek to please people and get gain by doing so, but to raise others up to a higher level of living."
I have been hearing in Church and just recently at Institute about people today becoming "too independent." This I can relate to, because the majority of my problems, I keep inside, and it's not until I have broken down, crying, on my knees, that I finally turn to the Lord--a fault I have struggled with my whole life. At Institute, we were going over faith vs doubt, hope vs despair, and charity vs selfishness, and as we reviewed what brought on despair, one of the many reasons covered was independence. This of course caught my eye, because who'd have thunk? But I knew, that was for me. Not that I am depressed or in despair, but I recognize that I don't open myself to people completely. In general, I keep so much to myself because, like so many others, I fear that people won't like what they see. For this reason, I jump from groups of friends, always on the move, trying to avoid people growing tired of me, or really, I guess people knowing the real me, and rejecting that--resulting in a constant lack of belonging. I have always felt like I can't seem to find my place. And still I'm searching. But I have realized, that until I trust people, and have faith that I will be accepted and loved, and recognize that I am a daughter of God, and acknowledge my worth, I will never feel like I have a place anywhere. Also, as long as I feel inadequate and like I'm still searching, I can't help others. After all, how can you help someone out of a hole you both are in? I have been taught my whole life to be charitable, that to be perfect, we must all acquire that pure love of Christ. Through His entire life, Christ had not only followers and disciples, He had friends. He had family. He had the Spirit and the Father, and kept all as His constant companions, whom He trusted, served, and loved with all His heart.
So that's what this blog is. This is me sharing my thoughts, trying to be open, a little less independent, hoping that this will help me to grow, to trust more, to better myself, that I can better raise those around me. If then, there are people out there who want a closer look into what's running through my head, here it will be.


  1. Don't forget to bring a towel!

    I liked this. For me writing can be somewhat therapeutic. It's hard for me to organize my thoughts in my head at times, so writing them down and trying to organize them that way helps me not be so scatter brained. Hopefully keeping a blog will help you in maybe the same way and maybe in others. ROCK ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

  2. Wow! A beautiful post. You have a talent for writing and you should keep doing so. I love you!